I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Randomize
