Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
