Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
