apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Randomize
