so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Randomize
