The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
