I'm gonna have a badass scar
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
