I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
