I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
