Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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