Someone shit on the floor
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
