I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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