i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize