John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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