matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
If I die, sorry about rent.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
