so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
