Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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