I swear she didn't look like that last week.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Drunk is a universal language darling
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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