Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
