I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
