Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
