The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Randomize
