Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize