we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
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