Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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