We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
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