I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
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