I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
