if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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