I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
