I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
