cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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