Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I need a burrito and a hug.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
