did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
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