when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
We have so much sex to catch up on
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
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