Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I need to calm my uterus...
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Randomize
