is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
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