Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
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