Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
