the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
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