If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
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