we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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