too bad you live with your parents still
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
