i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
