I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
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