I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
