I can text with my tongue
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
