woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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