It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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