After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
