He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
