Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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