Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
