and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
