I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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