I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
As shirtless as possible
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Randomize
