I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
