"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
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