If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
