It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
