I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
50% drunk capacity currently
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
