Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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